LOQUI & VERTIGO GREEN

...A BRIEF HISTORY OF (OUR) TIME

1996

May Vertigo Green formed in the Resnikov bar, Hull when Iain Ager ("drums" - drunk at the time) convinces Rob Chapman ("vocals/piano" - also drunk at the time) to let him play drums (that he can't play) in the latter's band (that he doesn't have).  Ealing comedy narrowly averted by Rob recruiting Steve 'Sharky' Turner (often referred to as Useless Steve) to play bass and Iain learning a simple drum beat.  Thus, VG is formed. 

Nov 'Full' band hastily assembled for a debut two-track showcase gig at The Chico Mendez (Hull).  Lee 'Procol' Boyes (Guitar) and Crunch Corner (Keyboards) brought in at last minute to provide 'musical ability'.  Audience unaware that they have witnessed genius unfolding before their very eyes. 

Dec VG bring on board Brass and Backing Vocals in desperate bid to 'find their sound'.  Fail.  Still, stage made to look fuller by additions of Pete Jamieson (Trumpet), 'Uncle' Paddy Sears (Trombone), Scottish Tom (Sax), Ula Webber (Vocals), Marie Cousins (Vocals) and Sarah Falconer (Vocals).

1997 

Jan Deciding the band still didn't have enough female singers, it brings on board Gina Watson, stage now looking like 0745 Piccadilly Line service from Cockfosters to Gloucester Road. 

Jan 'The Adelphi (Hull), supported by Lithium Joe and PMTV.

Feb Scottish Tom fired after threatening to kill Useless Steve.  Band inform him that he is free to carry out his threat once they've finished recording duties.

Feb Band pool all of their resources (Iain expands his overdraft, Rob takes a loan, Lee borrows some cash, Steve offers to share his Kebab, Crunch buggers off....) to buy their first PA.  This occasionally works, but is deemed good enough to tour with.

March Band politely tell Ula, Sarah and Marie that their services will no longer be required as having four female singers was, quite frankly, always a stupid idea in the first place.

March Release the ‘Vertigo Green’ EP on cassette only.  World remains unmoved. Tracks: Mary Jane, Leanne, Starship (Parts 1-3), Hamsterman

March Tour the EP.  The 'Misguided' tour.  Take in The Leopard (Doncaster), Sam Fey's (Nottingham), The Old Times (Ipswich) and Mr. Gray's (Southend).  Tour title proves apt.  Useless Steve leaves and rejoins band in space of an hour.  Everyone ready to kill each other by the end.  Other stories originating from this tour far too lurid to go into here, wait for the autobiography....

April Headline the Hull Scratch Night, radically re-jigged set and performance style starts the ball rolling for VG's reputation as an awesome live band, after a ludicrously overblown build-up the band take the stage to the opening bars of Starship bathed in smoke and green light.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby...

May Play the Union Hall, Hull supported by The Bridge and The Fortune Cookies, Stage theatrics taken to new heights, band start collecting some very enthusiastic reviews, Hullfire calls the event "Theatrical, Spectacular and full of Charisma - full marks" and the music "Fantastic".

May VG produce the 'New Hope' T-Shirt. Somewhat tragically, this still proves to be the most profitable item ever produced by the band.  Sell 50 on the first day of release.

Jun Support Dreadzone at the Megagig with King Rupert.  Band make biggest splash of the festival by producing 2000 flags especially for the event that are waved by the amassed crowd during the set.  Band subsequently banned from playing the festival because of the mess created.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby...(Part 2).

Jul Gina goes on sabbatical to Italy for the year and is temporarily replaced by Jen Learned.

Aug Band draw up their first ever contract as designed by Iain Ager QC.  Later discovered to be about as legally binding as Lemon Curd.

Sept Deciding that the previous effort was not big enough, the band invest in a new set of equipment.  They do this by borrowing £7000 off Rob's Granddad and paying it back via student loans within a period of a month.  He is still owed £1000.  He is, unfortunately now dead.

Oct New equipment arrives.  Steve blows up £1000 worth of bass amp.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby... (part 3)  Steve fired.  Steve reinstated.

Oct Band headline the Halloween Ball in central Hull, band's theatrical gimmickry and outrageous costumes fit in perfectly.  Crunch dies hair green.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby....(part 4).

Nov Steve fails to turn up again for practice, Steve fires himself before Iain has the chance to do it.  Agrees to play one more gig before walking away and to help finding his replacement.

Nov VG play their biggest headline gig in front of 400 people at The Concourse in Hull supported by Comin' Home High.  Useless Steve gives it his all in what will become his last ever performance, theatrics and costumes at an all-time most outrageous.

Nov With assistance from Useless Steve VG hire Nick Byrne as his replacement.

Nov Nick Byrne fired.  All agreed that Steve is useless. 

Nov With no assistance from Steve, Stu Hudson is hired.  Stu still with the band.  Steve IS useless. 

Dec Band drink heavily throughout Christmas and rehearse up new material. 

1998 

Jan Band recruit James Barker to fill-in for the increasingly part-time Paddy Sears 

Feb Band record new and old material for 'The Toothbrush EP' with Garry Burrows.  Pete unable to hold a note for more than a semi-quaver, Lee unable to urinate for 72 hours.  Fact.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby....(part 5).

Feb Band sign to small indie Rodent Records.

Feb VG play the Adelphi again with support from 'Outburst'.  James now permanent fixture as Paddy is prone to wandering off mid-gig.  A video of this exists somewhere, we will pay a handsome reward for its safe return.  Current version of Antigonny Smiles officially declared 'Rubbish'.

April VG release first edition of The Toothbrush EP.  Tracks 'Down at the Toothbrush', 'Who You Are', 'Hamsterman' (revised) and 'Starship (parts 1-3) as a bonus track on the first press.  200 copies sold on the first day of release.  No one entirely sure how many copies currently in circulation, but estimates at around 600-1000.  EP critically very well received and gets limited airplay both in the UK and on college radio in the States.  Band offered work in the States.  Stupidly turned down for logistical reasons.

May VG do two gigs in two days, firstly headlining the Lawns Extravaganza festival in front of over 1000 people (the band would like to apologise for their embarrassing lack of coherence during this gig, but squarely point the finger at the fact that their sound check finished at midday and they hit the stage at 9pm with only a pub to keep them company, that and thee two-week bender that most members were on).  Secondly they made a triumphant return to headline the Scratch Night again, very little can be remembered about this stage in the bands history and even less about how the band made it through alive.

May Pete and Jen leave the band. As a special sign of the band's appreciation for all of the work that Pete has done, he is handcuffed to the stage at the end of his last gig, stripped to his boxers and has his legs covered in waxing strips that are auctioned off for the honour of removing the strips.  Due to Pete's reputation as something of the philanderer, bids were not shortcoming from female audience members.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby....(part 6).

June Band finish work on The Triumphant Return of the Legendary Hamsterman album before slacking-off from duties in order to watch the World Cup.

July Gina re-hired after return from Italy, 'Long' Jon Abbott recruited to play trumpet in place of Pete Jamieson.

Aug Having graduated, Rob relocates to London to get 'proper job' with Iain who had moved a month earlier.  Crunch also graduates and moves back to Doncaster to teach and become the second organist at York Minster.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby....(part 7).

Oct Band come through to win 2nd place at the battle of the bands competition at the Pink Toothbrush, Southend-on-Sea, Essex, the legendary inspiration for the song Down at the Toothbrush.  Band tour bus breaks down on the motorway on the way down.  Crunch fixes the exhaust using empty cans of Stella.  Stu assists by drinking all the Stella.  Band so late that they arrive five minutes before they go on stage leaving no time for a sound check.  The gig is officially declared "Extremely Ropey".

Nov Band receive offer from film production company 'In Video Veritas' to be the central part of a documentary on bands trying to make it.  Filming will take place covering 24 hours before and including a big gig.  In order to play such a gig the band begin to organise the Praise the Lawns festival at the 600-capacity Concourse Arena in Hull.

1999 

Mar Band headline the Praise the Lawns festival in front of a sell-out crowd with support from El Mono, Agent 16, Comin' Home High, Mike E Boy and The Funmasters.  Event filmed for TV with entertaining results.  The crowd whooped, the band played and much alcohol induced delirious delight was had by all.  The band walked on as heroes, rock superstardom beckoned, Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby...(part 8).  Remastered album of the event is released.
 
 

April The band begin work on the Weekender sessions.  Leaked bootlegs find their way onto the market later that month, the most common of which included 'Weekender', 'A Vision of St. Matthew' and a live version from Praise the Lawns of the band's unique lounge-jazz version of Blur's 'Song 2'. 

May The band headline 'Fuck the Megagig' supported by Satellite at the Adelphi as a knee-jerk reaction to irritate the annoying jobsworth, charity fascists at the University RAG society.

June Following the unanimous (Iain's) decision that the band can't sustain a full brass section, pianos, percussion, choir, kitchen sink etc, the band recruit second guitarist Will Ramsay to shoe-horn all of the existing 'extras' into one punk-rock supernoise!  A graduate of Cambridge University, the only thing bigger than Will's brain is his collection of unusual Peruvian hats, which quite frankly is reason enough for hiring him.

July Getting back to their roots, the band hole-up in a disused student house in Hull to re-start the Weekender sessions.  Boosted by the two guitars the band romp through super-fast versions pop-punk classics such the resurrected Weekender, Young Love, St. Matthew and others.  For the first time Rob arranges for abstract strings in addition to the punk noise creating am eminently hummable art-punk racket!  The results are awesome.  The masters are stolen.  D'oh!

Aug Lee announces that he's to leave the band as he is off to teach Spanish guitar in Spain of all places.  Not entirely sure what his career advisor said, but one would have thought that this was probably a saturated market.  Going to Spain to teach Spanish guitar is surely a bit like going to the USA to teach them to eat burgers, but hey-ho, Lee always was a law unto himself.

Sept Band wave goodbye to Lee with a large party.  Iain cracks his head open, Stu wakes up with purple hair, Lee vanishes in the middle of the night never to be seen or heard of again.  If you have any information that leads to the successful recapture of Lee please get in contact with us, Lee is still at large armed with a strange accent and dodgy 80's hairdo.  He may be dangerous.  He probably isn't.

Sept Band recruit the strange and mysterious Jack Unpronounceable.  Jack Unpronounceable impresses the panel of judges both with his strange and mysterious virtuosic guitar playing and by spending the entire audition staring at the opposite wall with his back to the band strange and mysteriously.

Oct Band make their London debut at the Putney Half Moon supporting the spectacularly average Remote by drunkenly powering through an entire 10-song set in 20 minutes, Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby...(part 9).  Wearing the attire of unhinged stock brokers, the band rock the nervous looking student crowd like they have never known before.  Iain powers, Stu menaces, Will leaps and dives, Jack Unpronounceable looks strange and mysterious and Rob attempts to conduct the entire gig in Spanish despite not being able to speak Spanish.  The band are subsequently fined for breaking the venue noise restrictions and Jack Unpronounceable strange and mysteriously wanders off with the only existing recorded copy of the gig.  Jack Unpronounceable never to be seen or heard of again.  Strange and mysterious. 

Dec Will drops a double bombshell: 1) He has been seeing a girl 2) He intends to move to New York and marry her!  Arrrgggghhhh!!!  The band ponder loosing yet another guitarist over Christmas.

2000 

Jan Stu offers to play guitar (originally his first instrument) in the band leaving a vacancy for a bassist.  Proving that they have learnt nothing, the band team back up with Useless Steve, now in the Airforce, based out of Uxbridge.  Positivity and optimism fill the air as this all-star line up of VG members past and present prepares to begin rehearsals and launch an aggressive campaign to take over the world! 

Jan Useless Steve fired after one rehearsal for being useless. 

Feb Band hire 'The Boy' Andy Saxton, a 17-year-old virtuoso bassist with, frankly, more thumbs than brain cells.  Permanent goofy expression render him a permanent Touché Turtle look-alike.  Damn fine bass player though.... 

May After meeting Sarah Rice in a lift, Rob hires Sarah Rice as a singer/pianist.  Rob finds out he works with her. 

June After one rehearsal it transpires that Sarah can't play the piano, Rob resolves to improve his interview technique.  Fortunately she can sing. 

July Band bring in the tremendously talented, but constantly bickering trumpeters David F. Brinkley and Cameron Todd from the Royal Academy of Music.  Despite the 'mutual respect' between the two, their blatant self-appreciation and the fact that they seemed to see themselves as pseudo-Noel and Liam figures, rehearsals were enlivened by niggly exchanges between the two that owed more to the Chuckle Brothers than the Gallagher Brothers.

Aug Clearly fed up of the bright lights, culture and sophistication, Stu leaves London in search of cloth caps and whippets.  Finally lays his cap in Leeds and begins a run of commuting to London at weekends.

Sept VG headline the West End's 'Borderline' club just off the Charing Cross Road supported by Dollshouse (formally Voice Of The Beehive), some Indie band that no one can remember and a strange psycho Glaswegian poet called Gary.  Over 100 tickets sold on the first day of release and event sells out within a few days.  Despite a very rowdy partisan crowd, the gig goes very well providing a crowd-pleasing set of largely old material with a few live premieres, most notably the first outing of soon-to-be new single Scream.

Dec In an effort to get better value for their recordings, the band begin work on new single Scream in Fretless Studios, Leeds, working for the first time with producer Gareth Wilson.  Tracks also recorded include the band's unique punk version of Shampoo's 'Trouble' and an acoustic version of one of the band's first ever songs 'Pied Piper Am I'.  Released just in time for the after-Christmas slump.

2001

Nothing of any note happens at all

2002 

Jan It’s a bit chilly 

Feb It’s slightly less chilly. Somewhere off in the distance, a dog barks.

March The band having largely fallen apart with Stu's relocation and The Boy's resignation to pursue a career with his other punk band of which no one has heard a note of since, faces a dead end.  Following problems with his employers, Rob decides to jump ship and decides to team back up with Stu by relocating to Leeds. 

April Rob moves to Leeds vowing to start a new band with Stu. 

May Rob finds 'Scrumpy' Jack Parkman’s ad as an available drummer over the Internet.  Despite Rob's previous experience with drummers making ambitious claims, it transpires that Jack can actually play the drums.  Realizing that this is too good to be true Rob and Stu attempt to reel in the tub-thumper using a technique largely comprising of gross over-exaggeration and false promises.  It works. 

June Scrumpy Jack introduces Rob and Stu to his bass playing colleague Ian Pattison.  After one rehearsal Ian quite astutely and accurately realises that Rob and Stu are power-crazed megalomaniacs with impenetrable tastes in music who are harder to work with than a papier-mâché hammer.  Ian joins the band shortly after.  Rob and Stu vow not to tinker with a winning hiring formula.  Lo and behold, LOKI is born taking their name from the 13^th demi-God at the table of Valhalla, the Norse maker of mischief, the bringer of change and a short bloke from Corby who sells insurance.
 

July The band begin work on the 'Straight Outta Brompton' EP with Gareth Wilson.  Tracks include Straight Outta' Brompton, Rat Race and a new version of Starship (part 1) - the latter particularly sounds fantastic with its ascending brass parts. However, the tracks are still yet to see the light of day, largely suffering from a lack of tightness associated with only having played together a couple of times.  In retrospect timescales adjudged to have been a little ambitious.  Rat Race scrapped, 'Brompton and Starship 'parked' unmixed.

Aug Masters of Brompton sessions stolen from Ian’s flat.

Sept After deciding that the band need a female singer, the band settle on Rachel Burkes, soon to be Rai Evans for reasons best known to herself. 

Nov The band make their live debut at the Primrose on Meanwood Road, Leeds supporting Just Like Moses and some other band no-one can remember.  Despite outstanding drunkenness all round (you'll notice this becoming a theme as we progress) the band play a storming three-song mini-set of The Diner, Love In A Different Climate and A Vision Of St. Matthew.  Despite playing as a four-piece the band seriously rock the full house with their unique blend of funky-punky-thumpy melodramatic rock 'n' roll noise!  Audience 70/30 split between enthralled and bemused as Rob high kicks, Stu struts, Ian scowls and Jack, well, hits things.  Hard.  Band immediately booked to play again. 

Dec Band play first full set supporting Just Like Moses again at the Royal Park Cellars, Hyde Park, Leeds.  Live debut for Rachel/Rai plus Big Mark on Trumpet and Jools on Alto Sax.  Crunch also makes an appearance, albeit with only five minutes to go before the band is due on stage.  Gig goes fine although very nearly ended in disaster as Jack requests to pull out the day before with a wrist problem suspected to be 'Torn Ligaments'.  However a visit to the specialist arranged by Rob on the train on the way back from London that night confirms that Jack has the considerably less serious condition of 'Big Girls Blouse'.  Jack plays on.  Wrist fails to fall off.  Crowd 'lively'. 

Dec Rachel/Rai leaves by mutual consent and agrees to continue working with the band in the studio.

2003 

Jan Band play a January 3rd show at the Primrose, supporting 4 Planes In 4 Days.  Despite the depressing time of year, everyone being skint and everyone still not being back at their respective workplaces, the turn out is good, rowdy and almost entirely made up of rather vocal Loki fans led by cheerleader-in-chief Killer.  Live debuts for 'Gabrielle' (suspect), 'Remote Control' (blinding) and an unusual punk power-through of Girls Aloud’s Sound of the Underground (amusing).  Band plays another cracking set and invited back for a headline slot for the following month.

Feb Acquiring an uncanny sense of De ja Vue, Loki headline The Primrose supported by strange lightly surreal novelty hip-hop combo 'Beasting' featuring a guest appearance of Stu on bass and strange lightly surreal novelty Casio tone playing fat man in a dress 'Spanish Dave'.  Crowd is the most mental yet and Rob unleashes his full array of flying, kicking, diving, falling, leaping moves whilst the front row of a packed house comes very close to serious injury on a number of occasions.  Debuts of 'All I'm Hearing Is Noise' and 'Where's My Money?'.

March Band begin work on tracks for the new album ‘All I’m Hearing Is Noise’ with Gareth Wilson again.  Tracks begun include ‘Love In A Different Climate’, ‘Gabriel’, ‘The Diner’, ‘All I’m Hearing Is Noise’, ‘Remote Control’ and ‘A Vision of St. Matthew’.  Love In A Different Climate briefly sneaks out as a single before being hastily withdrawn as the band admit that they are unhappy with it.  However, short window of release and subsequent recall mean that there are still a dozen or so copies unaccounted for.  Hang on to them; they may be worth something one day!

March Band play the Primrose again!  This time fatigue for the venue is beginning to show and the band fail to hit top gear, however a highly vocal and rowdy crowd seem to enjoy themselves.  Support band Yasha fail to show so support is quickly drafted in from old faithful ‘Beasting’ this time featuring guest spots from both Stu of lead guitar and Rob on bass.  Stage invaded at end of gig and turned into a sort of impromptu open mic night.  Note to potential bookers: our fans mean well! 

April Remote Control issued as a single in place of Love in a Different Climate.  Band play the Royal Park Cellars once more with support from Drat.  Band premiere soon-to-be single The Average White Boy.

May First ever test drive for what will become the Tea Time Shuffle.  Band headline a packed HiFi with support from Phluid, Just Like Moses and Jon Gomm.  Despite problems with the sound, largely to attributed to Gareth’s 'Technical Inexperience' with the desk, the gig is a roaring success and even includes the band’s first experience of crowd surfing fans.  Hello Rock 'n' Roll baby...(part 10).

June Saxophonist Jan Lark joins.  The band play Joseph’s Well in Leeds before playing the main stage of the Bradford Festival the following day.  Massive stage, theatrical show, battered audience.  Rob interviewed by “confused” DJ on Radio Bradford after the show. 

July The band make a final performance at the Primrose.

Aug The sun is shining, the weather is sweet yeah.  Loki move their collective dancing feet.

Sept Loki becomes Loqui.  Don’t ask….

Oct Loqui headline Tea Time Shuffle once more, sound system pushed to breaking point, and, breaks.  Venue buys new sound system. 

Dec Band support Phluid at Selby Town Football ground, much ale is quaffed and party poppers popped. 

2004

Jan Phone call received from Scrumpy Jack: “Hi, I’m on my honeymoon, I’m leaving the band”.  Given that Jack has spent the past three years living with Jan and she is not on honeymoon, all does not bode well. 

Jan (Five minutes later) Phone call from Ian: “I’m leaving the band."  Bugger. 

Feb–Jun Rob carries on developing Tea Time Shuffle and enjoys something hitherto unexperienced: success.  TTS becomes well respected and loved night, not bad considering it was started as a flagrant attempt at self promotion by piggybacking the success of others.  Something still niggles though: a lack of Loqui, the only appearance during this period being a brief acoustic set at March's TTS featuring a stripped-down line-up of just Rob, Stu and Jan.  Fortunately success of TTS has resulted in new contacts; decision is taken to recruit band members on an ad hoc basis 

May Stu discovers the LMS forum.  The LMS forum meet ‘Staypuff’.  Nothing is ever the same again.

Jun New-look Loqui appear at the Cockpit.  Lineup features Oli and Jamie Deakin from Samsa on Bass and Drums respectively, Ric Neale on Keyboards and Lucy on Cello as well as stalwarts Rob and Stu.  Reaction to gig is phenomenal, Leeds Music Scene declares “Loqui (who surprisingly were anything but low-key - ba-dum ching) were both stunning and unique. Frontman Rob Paul Chapman is a compelling leader, theatrical and in possession of a voice full of passion and range that could easily be on the West End rather than in a well decorated cow shed. The whole band too has a theatrical sound. The first track comes on like a stripped-down Polyphonic Spree, while the rest of the songs range between loungey jazz (in an exciting, not-at-all Jamie Cullum style) and stage musical excess. It's thrilling stuff.” 

Jul Lee Boyes returns from Spain!  Evidently, on that famous night in Hull, he inadvertently fell foul of an infamous Hull gangster and had to flee for his life.  So, two years after his last sighting, the Boyes is back in town, in fact he is living in Leeds – spooky. 

Sept Buoyed by the success of the Cockpit, the band shun acoustic guitars in favour of our much-loved amplification and return to the Tea Time Shuffle.  Again reaction is positive and The Music Guru states “They cannot be pigeonholed into one particular music genre. They are a kaleidoscope of many different and wonderful things and definitely worth seeing if you get chance."